I got nothing. And since I’ve had nothing to say or present here for quite awhile, I’d like to encourage you to read what my good friend, Magic Matt, has to say in his column this week at N00bdoodle.com.
I’m especially partial to his thoughts on, of all people, Blake freaking Shelton.
I need to write a book. It sounds pompous when you read that sentence, as if to imply someone would want to read a book authored by me. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think anyone would actually read it. In fact, I highly doubt anyone is reading these words right now. But there are two reasons why I need to write this fake, pretend book.
First, I need therapy. Let’s just cut to the chase: it’s pretty clear that I’m insane. I need help. The best (and cheapest) way to get this help/therapy is to write.
The second and most important reason I need to write a book is…if there is even the slightest chance someone (Hi, Mom.) would read my pretend book, I’d like to be able to present to the reader a look at the world through my crap-colored glasses. Let me explain.
While I admit to being pretty screwed up, hard to read or understand, difficult to deal with, inconsistent, annoying, crabby, (stop me anytime), selfish, egotistical, bossy…Well, the entire rest of the world is worse – because they’ve made me this way. Stay with me for a minute. It’s the crazy people in this world that make me crazy. I liken it to one of my father’s simplistic speeches while teaching me to drive in the Sioux City Stockyard’s vacant parking lot. “When you start driving on your own, your mother and I are going to get worried. It’s not your driving we’re worried about. It’s everyone else out there.” Thus, I learned about defensive driving…and have been applying it to life every since.
Hmmm. I think I’ve come up with a working pretend book title: How I Went Through Life Playing Defense…And Went 0-16.
For clarification’s sake, I am well-aware that I can’t change people, I can only change the way I perceive them. I just haven’t found the right drug or alcohol to help me do that on a consistent basis…yet.