You might have noticed I/we have been posting less and less here. The truth is, while this website means a lot to me, I air out most of my off-air laundry on Twitter. So while I promise to still update things here on occasion, Twitter is where you’re going to find me (and Magic Matt) most of the time. Don’t be scared of Twitter. Its bark is far bigger than its bite.
Here’s the transcript of Brad’s graduation speech, as heard on the latest Brad Westmar Show.
Congratulations graduating seniors. You’ve just completed the easiest 18 years of your life. Today marks the beginning of the end for all of you as life will now begin to chip away….bit by bit, moment by moment. A small piece of you will die each day until one morning…there will be nothing left. You’ll be buried in a box six feet under. There will, of course, be a ceremony. But within 12 hours they will have all forgotten you.
To quote the great American song writers, Brett & Brad Warren: “Cradle to tombstone
There’s not much in between…”
Oh sure those first three years will make it seem like I’m wrong: Freedom from so many things…independence, money, sex, booze, V.D., unplanned pregnancies….you see where I’m going with this. But after you turn 21, life flies past you with not a whole lot to offer other than….
I think Billy Joel, another great American song writer, said it best: “You will come to a place where the only thing you feel are loaded guns in your face and you’ll have to deal with pressure”.
Things will begin to turn upside down for you. Remember how the Greatest American Hero didn’t have the instruction book to his suit and had to resort to trial and error? Well guess what? Each and everyone of you is Ralph Hinkley. There IS NO instruction book to life. Yeah, you think you know everything. You don’t. Think you’re in love? Think again. Gonna marry her no matter what your parents think? Good luck. You’ll be divorced in less than 2 years. Think you wanna be a lawyer? Wait until you realize after all that schooling, passing the bar….your first job will be filing manila folders for $10.50 an hour. And yes, it’s MANILA NOT VANILLA. You should know this. You just graduated & you know everything.
And just wait until you realize that everyone out there is 17,000 times crazier than you are. You won’t know which way is up or how to react to different people. In fact, they’ll have you questioning your own sanity. Either way, this is called “society”…and it will eat you up alive if you let it.
To quote another great American songwriting team, Scissor Sisters: “It’s a bitch convincing people to like you…”
To cope, you may end up an alcoholic or maybe even a heroin addict. But there’s a good chance if enough of the crazies you know actually like you, you could end up with an intervention and rehab.
Not that rehab is any help. If you’re lucky enough to have success with it, you’ll re-enter society just as confused as ever, trying harder than ever to make all the right moves and not relapse. All the while your friends, family, and co-workers (you’re back to filing at the law-firm due to all the setbacks) tip toe around you, treating you like a child for fear of being the person who causes you to go back to your crack pipe.
But not to worry, new life is on the way….in the form of a grandchild birthed by your 15 year old daughter from that marriage you never should’ve had. You do know, of course, that you’ll be supporting that baby because your daughter is a freshman in high school & has no skills other than being a human baby making factory.
Look. It’s quite simple. You think it’s awesome to be done with high school. That’s great. Have your moment. We’ve all been there. I just want you to know, quite simply…real life makes high school look like cake. Someday you’re going to be 41 years old and chasing pipe dreams with a pretend radio show, thinking to yourself…if I knew then what I know now….I’d be on top of the world.
Watch your step kids. And use protection, goddamnit.
